After paying all the hospital administration fees, I headed to the restroom to freshen up. The restroom was dirty and smelled like a public hospital bathroom. There were brownish stains on the washbasin. I looked into the mirror directly above the washbasin. Only a face-sized area was still clean, so at least I could see my own face. My face was swollen, and my eyes were red, like someone sad who had cried all night.
‘Hmm, I did cry all night,’ I thought. As I was busy examining my face in the mirror, I was startled by a beep from my digital watch.
“Hah, it’s already 8 AM, how quickly time flies.” I walked down the dark and quiet hospital corridors. Only a few long benches lined the sides of the hallway. At this hour, the hospital was indeed still quiet, with only a few people sleeping, exhausted from waiting for sick relatives perhaps.
‘As for me, who else do I want to wait for here?’ I asked myself. As I stood in front of a white-painted door, I saw several nurses pushing a gurney with what looked like a stiff body lying on it. I pressed myself against the door to give them ample space. As the gurney passed right in front of me, I saw a young woman who had passed away and seemed to be on her way to the morgue.
“Innalillahi Wa innailaihi Rajiun…” I whispered a prayer. After they disappeared from my sight at the end of the corridor, I immediately turned around and pushed the handle of the unlocked door. The inpatient room was dimly lit and smelled of roses, which I replaced every day. I walked to the window and pulled back the curtain that had been closed, hiding the brilliant morning sunlight.
Slowly, I opened the window, and a fresh breeze instantly swept across my face. Below, I could see vehicles bustling about, taking their owners wherever they needed to go. Their exhaust fumes created a thin haze when viewed from the 14th floor of this building. But all the monotonous activities of Jakarta city still couldn't rival the fresh morning air, which at least could lighten my mental burden a little.
“Pras…, is that you?” a woman’s voice came from beside me. It was Rindia, the beautiful girl who had occupied this inpatient room for the past month. All this time, I had been forced to leave my studies to care for her, as she lived all alone in this cruel city.
“Hi Rin, are you awake? Sorry if I was noisy, should I close the window again?” “No need, I like the morning air.” A sweet smile appeared on Rindia’s pretty face, which looked a bit thinner than a month ago.
“How was your sleep?” “Yes, but I still feel sleepy…” Rindia settled back down on the bed. As far as I knew, Rindia was still under the influence of painkillers, which was why she always felt sleepy. The doctor did this because Rindia’s sudden headaches were very agonizing for her.
“Pras, thanks for the flowers. By the way, why do you look so worn out?” Rindia asked, enjoying the scent of the roses I brought. The sudden question made me silent for a moment, then I said, “Oh, it’s nothing, maybe because there were a lot of mosquitoes last night, so I couldn’t sleep!” I replied, forcing a slight smile. I was only lying with those words.
How could it be nothing after what happened a few minutes ago, which had shattered my dreams of love all this time. ***** At that moment, Rindia had been given a sedative by the doctor, so she immediately fell asleep, her face still showing an expression of intense pain. I was still sitting beside her bed, looking around to make sure everything was okay before I went home for a bit.
Before turning off the lamp, which was directly opposite the bed where I was sitting, I whispered goodbye into Rindia’s ear and then reached out my hand to switch off the bedside lamp. Because it was a bit out of reach, I leaned forward slightly to grasp it. My cheek brushed Rindia’s lips. At the same time, without me realizing it, the room door had opened, and a trembling woman stood in the doorway.
I tried to see who had come, and from the faint glow of the bedside lamp, I saw the face of a woman whose return I had been waiting for all this time. Before I could show my joy, Findia immediately hurried away, accompanied by the sound of the door slamming shut. For a moment, I couldn't process what had happened, but after I realized the pose between Rindia and me, I immediately knew what disaster was about to unfold.
***** My bedroom, as usual, still looked neat and clean. Of course, not because I diligently tidied it, but thanks to the loyal housekeeper in this house. My parents, too busy with work, had to entrust the task of managing the house to a third party in the family. They were currently in Europe on a business trip since a year ago. Even during Eid al-Fitr, they didn't come home and only chatted with me over the phone.
My personal computer monitor was still on, with its sharp and detailed glow. Findia’s face still reigned on the desktop display, an image I had taken just before she left for Australia. A small window covering most of the desktop showed Internet Explorer open to webmail, with a few words and the cursor ready on the ‘send’ button. My digital watch showed 11:00 PM.
But I was still lying with my head resting on my two palms, and my clothes hadn't changed since I stepped into this house a few hours ago. My eyes couldn't close; sweet memories of my time with Findia kept replaying before me, occasionally interspersed with the painful incident in the hospital parking lot.
“Huh, Findia is still as beautiful as ever, even more so now,” I said, trying to comfort myself. There was no conversation between Findia and me in the parking lot. She immediately got into the waiting taxi and left without me having a chance to say a single word. As I stared at the empty ceiling of my room, I reached my fingers into my jacket pocket beside me.
I pulled out my phone and searched for a number I hadn't called in a month. But when my eyes landed on the words ‘Princess Fin,’ I put it back into my jacket pocket listlessly. There would be no point in calling her now when the situation was so murky. It was better to wait until everything calmed down. I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. I held my head, which felt heavy with all the churning thoughts.
About my responsibility towards Rindia, who lived alone and craved affection from those closest to her. Then, memories flooded back of Findia and me, from when we first met in a public minivan to when she told me she was going to Australia for her studies. Unconsciously, tears flowed down my cheeks, which looked a bit hollow from lack of food and sleep lately.
These tears were an outpouring of feelings: sadness at not wanting to lose the love I had waited for all this time, my confusion over whether to prioritize Rindia, who was in difficulty, or Findia, who was irreplaceable, and happiness because Findia had returned earlier than expected from her studies.
“Apparently, Findia kept her promise to me.” Along with those words, my eyes caught the bright glow of the computer screen again. I approached the chair in front of the screen and settled into it. I looked again at the few words in the Internet Explorer window, which explained the events of the past month, apologized for my secrecy all this time, and expressed happiness at her return home.
Immediately, accompanied by a prayer that Findia would read it and understand everything, my right hand reached for the mouse lying stiffly beside the screen, and with my index finger, I quickly clicked on ‘send’. After the screen changed to a confirmation that the email had been sent, I closed the window, and now the full image of Findia holding a suitcase just before she left for Australia was visible.
My eyes would never tire of gazing at that face, which became more beautiful the more I observed it.
“As if you know, I love you without anything, except all my soul.” My reverie was broken when I saw a nurse in a clean white uniform enter through the unlocked door.
“Good morning, nurse,” I greeted her with the best smile I could muster, which still couldn't hide the sadness within.
“Yes, good morning. Now, Miss Rindi, let me help you pack.” “Pack? Where am I going, nurse?” Rindia asked, her face confused, looking at me questioningly. I just gave a small smile, letting her know that everything would be fine.
“Oh, Miss Rindi doesn’t know yet? You’re going home, and in a week, you’ll be taken to the United States for treatment,” explained the nurse, helping Rindia sit up, leaning against a pile of pillows. Nimbly, the nurse took out casual clothes and a long black skirt from the bag under Rindia’s bed. The nurse gave me a brief smile and waved towards the door, signaling me to step out for a moment because Rindia needed to change.
I obeyed the nurse’s instruction and hurried out of the room. After closing the door behind me, I walked down the corridor and took the elevator to the ground floor to the hospital cafeteria.
There, I only intended to buy two chocolate bars. After paying, I put the two chocolate bars in my pocket and was about to return to the inpatient room when someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind.
“Hello, boss, how are you….” A voice that had been very familiar to my ears since high school. When I saw who tapped my shoulder, I saw the cheerful face of my friend Yofi, who had been a bit feminine since high school. But now, his demeanor seemed more masculine, and next to him, a beautiful woman was holding Yofi’s arm.
“Hi Yof, long time no see. What are you doing here?” “Oh, I just visited a sick relative.” “This early?” I asked, surprised.
“Yeah, might as well before going to college. What about you, what are you doing here?” Yofi asked, even more surprised, seeing my disheveled appearance.
“Oh, me, well, it’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. By the way, who’s this girl next to you?” I said, changing the subject.
“This is Sifa, my college friend.” “Just a friend, or more than a friend? Hey, do you have time, let’s chat over there!” I invited, pointing my chin towards an empty table in one corner of the cafeteria. After ordering three plates of fried rice, as it turned out none of us had eaten breakfast yet, we chatted lightly, especially me teasing Yofi, who surprisingly also had a girlfriend.
I wouldn't have expected that, considering Yofi’s somewhat strange personality all this time. Actually, it was just to divert attention from the question of why I was there. Until I ran out of ideas for conversation, Yofi finally asked what he had wanted to know all along.
“So, what are you doing here, Pras, waiting for someone?” Yofi asked eventually. I let out a long breath that I seemed to have wanted to release for a while.
“Yes,” I answered briefly.
“Who, your family?” Yofi asked again, growing more curious.
“No, I’m waiting for… Rindia.” I lowered my head, not daring to meet Yofi’s sharp and scrutinizing gaze. Yofi sighed in disappointment, “Ahh, so Johnny was right all along.” I felt even worse, hearing the disappointed tone in Yofi’s voice.
“So you’re still in a relationship with Rindia. Then what about….” “She went home yesterday.” Yofi looked very surprised by what I had just said. It seemed he already knew what had happened between Findia and me after seeing my very distressing condition.
“I told you this before, it was bound to happen. Well, what else can be done? If it’s like this, you have to explain everything to Findia.” Yofi advised, his voice calm now. I shrugged uncertainly, “I’ll try, thanks.” Yofi glanced at his watch and then at his girlfriend, who had finished eating a while ago.
“Sorry, Pras, Siva and I have to go now.” “Oh yeah, no problem,” I replied, shaking Siva’s hand as she stood up from her chair. As he stood up, Yofi walked beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Be patient, Pras, I know you’ll definitely choose what’s best for your future!” he said before patting my shoulder and going to catch up with Siva. I still sat, thinking about what Yofi had just said. I looked at the plate in front of me, which was now half-empty. My hand held a spoon and kept stirring its contents, just like my thoughts were churning now.
The cafeteria was starting to get crowded with people, almost all of whom looked weary and sleep-deprived. All that didn't affect me; I didn't even notice a waiter clearing the plates Yofi and Siva had used right in front of me. I kept thinking about what decision I should make next. Until, without realizing it, I smiled, and suddenly my face brightened again and I felt energized.
I immediately stood up, startling the waiter who was clearing plates in front of me.
“Oh, sorry, sorry, ma’am, uhh… how much is everything?” ***** People were bustling about in the shopping mall. Rindia and I were now sitting opposite each other at a table in my favorite Japanese restaurant. In contrast to the outside atmosphere, the restaurant was a bit sparse, so if we spoke even a little loudly, the whole room would surely hear us.
The cool air from the air conditioner gently swept over my head, where my hair was now a bit long and unkempt. I alternated between looking at the sukiyaki, which was a quarter gone, and Rindia’s face, which grew paler each day. Her appetite was gone; even the tempura in front of her had only been stared at, untouched. Thirty minutes of silence had passed between us since we entered the restaurant.
I reached for the teacup beside me and took a small sip. I lifted my head to look directly at Rindia’s face, which seemed to be deep in thought, and I tried to smile as if nothing was wrong.
“Are you okay, Rin?” I asked, opening the conversation.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I knew she was lying. It was clear in her eyes, which now met mine, that something was on her mind.
“Hmm, Pras, there’s something I want to talk about.” Finally, she was going to express what she had been thinking. I already knew what she had been thinking all along, surely about the incident just now outside the mall.
“Hmm, the woman outside just now must be the Findia you’ve been talking about all this time.” I didn’t react, just looked at her deeply, trying to calm her.
“I saw her gaze was sharp towards you and… full of emotion,” “It seems she really loves you.” The last sentence she uttered sounded very faint to my ears. But I heard it very clearly and inwardly agreed that I also loved her very much.
“It’s okay, Rin, don’t let the issue between Findia and me burden your mind. Right now, all I want is to see you healthy and cheerful again. Come on, eat your food!” Rindia clasped her small fingers in front of her face as if she hadn’t heard what I said. Silence enveloped us again for a long time. I couldn’t say anything just then and was preoccupied with the image that flashed through my mind: outside the mall, I got out of the car with Rindia and walked, supporting her as she still hadn't found her balance.
Always at an inopportune moment, I saw Findia, who had just come out of the mall, staring sharply at me. It felt like she was punishing me with what she saw. I just stood silent and said nothing, resigned to whatever would happen next. After my consciousness returned to the room, I felt the air was still cool, and silence still surrounded us. After a while, I was startled by what Rindia did.
I thought she would become even sadder after knowing that Findia loved me very much, and so did I. But she placed both hands on the table and began to straighten her head. A sweet smile, which I hadn’t seen in a month, appeared. Her eyes sparkled, and with her gentle hand, she picked up the tempura she hadn’t touched earlier and put it into her beautiful mouth.
“Turns out, Findia really looks like me, doesn’t she? By the way, this tempura is good too, why didn’t I eat it earlier!” Rindia chuckled softly, chewing heartily as if the previous 30 minutes of lost time hadn't existed. I, too, smiled broadly without realizing it. It was as if the cool AC air could penetrate my skull and sweep away the heat within.
*****